| Taking a Beating (July 2004) |
By Jim Sheldon
This kind of story wasn’t new. It just struck closer to home.
Here in suburban Kansas City this spring, a high school girls soccer coach allegedly was attacked by a parent. After their two daughters had missed practices and quit the team, the parents met with school officials in an attempt to get the two girls reinstated. The request was denied, and school officials thought the matter was settled.
The coach then received an email from the father telling him his daughters would be rejoining the team. Later that day, the father reportedly accosted the coach in his school office. When he is again told his daughters would not be reinstated, the dad apparently landed a punch to the coach’s face.
The father faces a potential Class D felony charge, since the alleged attack happened on school grounds. The coach, Steve Bettlach of Blue Springs (Mo.) South High School, is left with a dozen stitches in his mouth.
These kinds of incidents thankfully are rare, but they now occur often enough to make one wonder what has happened to the traditional coach-parent relationship. We’ve all heard the stories, and not just in soccer. If you are a youth or high school coach, it has to make you question your commitment.
Let’s take unethical, immoral or unprofessional conduct by the coach out of the equation. Not that it doesn’t occur and shouldn’t be dealt with (non-violently), but it doesn’t apply to the 99.9 percent of coaches who have committed themselves to the profession or volunteered a significant amount of their own free time to help mold youngsters through a positive sports experience.
As a youth or high school soccer coach, you probably are dealing with four kinds of parents:
1. Coach Knows Best
By far the greatest majority of parents, this group comes in three varieties:
- Those who recognize the coach is serving as a valuable mentor for their children. Chances are they had a positive experience in their own athletic career and/or they can see that their child is having a positive experience.
- Those who are intelligent enough to realize they don’t know squat about soccer and, therefore, aren’t qualified to comment/complain.
- Those who are scared to death to open their mouth for fear that they’ll be asked to help if they do.
You won’t have problems with this group. They’ll be respectful and thankful. If they do have a complaint over something like playing time, they are likely to accept your explanation as long as little Johnny or Sally still enjoys being part of the team. Funny thing, but usually Johnny or Sally is a good kid that you enjoy coaching, regardless of whether or not they can play a lick.
2. I Used to Play Inside Left
This is the parent who played jayvee ball in high school or was on the Sunday pub team back in the old country. They have just enough knowledge to be a problem. Of course, the real problem is they don’t possess anywhere near the knowledge they profess to have.
3. Upper 90
As the kids are screwing around before practice, you notice this parent juggle the ball a dozen times, then crank one into the upper 90. It turns out this parent actually played the game at a high level. Maybe he or she has even done some coaching. This type likely will volunteer to help or quietly move their kid to another team if they believe the coaching is substandard. A warning, however: there will be handful that will never be satisfied with the level of coaching until their son is playing for Sir Alex Ferguson (and maybe not even then).
4. The Cluster Bomb
They may be knowledgeable or not. It makes no difference. These parents rain down complaints constantly and from all directions. Nothing you do is good enough for their kid. Their child can do no wrong and is “clearly the best player on the team,” whether or not the child can keep his/her shoes tied. You aren’t alone in dealing with this kind of parent. The kid’s teachers and principal are getting bombarded, too. The parents solve all their kid’s problems. They haven’t instilled any respect for authority or sense of accountability in their child.
The fact that the majority of parents are going to be supportive and positive is a big part of your job satisfaction. More importantly, the children of those parents are going to have a more satisfying experience.
You can even deal with a certain level of complaining. That comes with almost any job. A reasonable, adult discussion usually resolves things.
It’s when The Cluster Bomb arrives that you start to wonder why you are even bothering. It can be emotionally draining. Now, as we’ve seen, even the possibility of physical violence can’t be ruled out.
There are some steps you can take. The support of your club’s board or the school administration obviously is essential. A preseason team meeting with your parents always is a good idea. Many clubs and schools have parents (and players) sign code-of-conduct pledges, another good move. If you are going to meet individually with a parent, always try to have a third adult in the room. Encourage your players to come to you first with their team-related problems and make that policy clear to the parents.
Also, be careful about what is promised. If your club is promoting itself as a route to college scholarships, you have the potential of fostering parental issues right from the start. Be honest about it. Just what percentage of the club’s players have received scholarships? How many of those were partial as opposed to full rides? If you’re coaching at the recreational level and promise equal playing time, do it. Whatever the level, be up front with everyone about your expectations and plans.
These steps aren’t foolproof. The parent who lands a haymaker on an unsuspecting coach probably wasn’t at the preseason meeting and could care less about a code of conduct.
Do what you can do and what you know to be right. Take the prudent steps to establish and foster appropriate relationships. If serious trouble arrives without warning, be the bigger person – the example you’ve tried to set for your players |
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